The Feminine Social Prison Even Women Don't See

I was a young and naive 16 years old when my mother's friend, Dilly (short for Millard), gave me one day of work at his film company.

It was 1973 in Cincinnati, Ohio, and life was far simpler. But for me, I was primed to approach this mission of living up to parental and parental friend's expectations like a soldier going to war. I had to prove that I was good, and good enough, and that I would be approved of and that I could do what was essentially my very first day of my very first job, short-lived though it would be.

I knew how to type faster than the wind, but I didn't know how to send an overnight package. I had never had to do so. But this shocked Dilly. I don't know if he thought I was supposed to come in genetically predisposed to know how to be a secretary, but his shock felt frightening to me. I couldn't just look at him and say, "No, I don't. Why don't you show me?" I felt like a failure. Hard on myself? You bet! WAY too hard on myself. Insanely so. 

After I had finished the day - literally sweating while sitting at the typewriter (yes, children, there WERE no personal computers) - Dilly called my mother and, understandably perplexed, asked her why I was so nervous! ​

---

All of these years later, I look back at that day, and at the 30 years that followed - years spent in Corporate America and in University offices working in so many administrative capacities, and having so much trouble with that environment and its lockdown on self-expression - and I am grateful for what I learned about business, and about communication, and about...

...The Rules. (Dilly was very kind, and I was very nervous, but I wonder if I shouldn't have taken that day as a sign regarding working in business environments: Lori - Don't Do It!) I think that somewhere in me I knew that I was entering a battlefield when I went into an environment that had a highly rigidified structure, and that I wanted to master it. But between my warm, communicative personality, and the cold plug-in structure of Corporate America and its "hidden" Social Rules, we were never going to get along, and I was never going to win.

I'll get to The Rules in a second. But first, let me tell you what my spiritual teacher, Ammachi, once said: "Environment is stronger than will." It took a long time for me to understand that, and to understand that it depends on what type of environments support or hinder you. But you and I, my dear fellow woman (and man), are living in an environment that is so complete, we don't even see it. And I want you to see it, because once you do, you may just stop blaming yourself for challenges that are not your personal doing, and that are actually a breaking of rules that have nothing whatsoever to do with you personally. Which makes that rule breaking exponentially easier.

That is where The Rules come in.

With apologies to those who actually live in prisons, I am going to use a prison analogy to describe our shared, malforming environment. You see, back when I was 16 and a someone who carried an emotional sign of Will-Be-Perfect-For-Approval, there were personal, emotional reasons for that sweaty day, and there were societal, emotional reasons.

What we don't realize is just how much we have embodied and imbibed The Rules and judged ourselves by them. And that is our Environment. So, learning to see the prison and prison yard in its entirety gives us the information we need to make prison breaks.

What is this environment? It is the one that has for centuries been dominated by The Power White Male Rules.

The Rules for women include these horrific few:

• You must be considered pretty enough, young enough, pliant enough, to be accepted and loved or you are worthless or worth less as a human being.
• You must be grateful for crumbs of love; you're less-than, in comparison to men, so be grateful for what little you can get.
• You must compare yourself negatively to the unrealistic images of women portrayed in advertisements and on television.
• You must stay forever young in order to have a purpose.
• You must admire those above you, for they have the power to hurt you.
• You must keep your pains to yourself, because you alone are responsible for your pain, and those above you will not care.

If that sounds a little harsh, it is. And it is harsh for women every day of our lives. Most women I know don't really care about breaking the glass ceiling nearly as much as they care about breaking through to being recognized as human.

So, this environment we live in conditions us, and because we live with the effects, we take on the warden's edicts and mete out our punishments for him. Like this:

• We judge ourselves mercilessly, comparing ourselves to others who are always going to be younger and prettier and more f***able than we feel ourselves to be.
• We hate ourselves for being "fat", "old", etc., and we don't let ourselves off the hook.
• Having taken in the message that we are worth less than those in power, we also decide we need "fixing", and we spend a lot of money on workshops, rather than on starting the businesses or other new directions we have longed to take.
• We wait for permission and approval instead of taking it into our own hands and just moving forward.

So, what are the other effects of this prison of mental alignment that you have noticed?

​The benefit of seeing it, as I said, is being able to then take the step of making a run for it. Of saying Goodbye to the Good Girl.

---

Want to learn more? Ready for your breakout? Contact Lori at Support@GoodbyeGoodGirl.com. ​