#StoriesFromTheStoreFront - Episode #15

"When It's So Bad It's Good"

Working for a retailer has introduced me to TONS of interesting stuff I would never have known. Brands I never heard of: Giani Bernini, Cuddl Duds (a brand name just cute enough to nauseate), Alfani, and Tasso Elba (sounding ever-so-Italian - but probably made in New Jersey, who knows? Certainly not me, the non-style queen.).

And I have seen some weird things - from the Lobster On Pedestal I wrote about in a previous blog, to a scent - Bvlgari - that is bottled and marketed as though it is a combination lock on acid...or that has been beamed up when the transporter has had a really bad day.

I'm fascinated with all of it, really. Shape and color and general weirdness have always fascinated me, so in this way, working in retail is A Kinda Cool Thing. Except for the exceptionally ugly pieces of clothing that you just can't even imagine someone buying, much less wearing.

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I look at marketing like this and I wonder how these things could be used in alternate ways. Like...earrings, maybe? The purple really does look like something I'd cheerfully wear on my lobes!

There are pieces of such breathtaking beauty that I find myself wanting them, even though I'm not a major jewelry maven. But too many pieces of jewelry are jewel-toned, and that's where I just fall into the computer monitor...

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Sapphires and diamonds and pearls - oh my! To be honest, it's not the jewelryishness of them that gets me. It's something else entirely. I am addicted to jewel tones. Those colors just knock me out - they flood my eyes with a sense of fulfillment that is identical to a great meal, or good sex...if I remember correctly.​

A problem I run into regularly is that I am easily distracted. So I see something like this ring (LUST, WANT, MUST HAVE!!!) And suddenly my eye travels down the page...

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"Oh, sweet cheese and crackers! There are EARRINGS TOO???? "

​So this is how I spend my day, with people calling in and introducing me to yet another pair of shoes that I think are incredible, or jewelry I slobber all over myself as I dream of owning it. Purses, dresses, coats, all of which I let flow by me, knowing I really can't buy all of it.

Today introduced me - via that distraction problem of mine - to some particularly and magnificently egregious men's suits. A real estate salesman man called me to buy a light blue suit. We spent about an hour trying to find the right blue, and the right suit, and the right sizes for him, and he was metrosexual as hell - seemed straight to me, but with such gay overtones of hilarity and wit. We had a grand ol' time!

So, we're trolling through the website - me at work, him in his car on his phone - and by the 30th minute, I'm blinded by shades of blue, and wondering where the hell all of the light blue suits are. And then I see them...like a beacon, a sign in the sky - neon - blinking furiously: "So Bad It's Good!"

Turns out they're called Opposuits. A more awkward name you'll be hard pressed to find. And they're so bad they're almost good. Some of them. The rest are freaking God-awful! Here is a trip through some of the worst suits I've seen so far. Not only is the fabric design hideous, but the NAMES should truly be labeled legendary. Wait. You'll see.

First of all...

You haven't lived until you've turned yourself into a Ms. Pac Man game. Including the tie, thank you very much.

I'm trying to imagine what kind of guy wears this suit. Is this a gaming nerd? In which case, he probably doesn't look like Superman over there. And if he wears it to a gaming convention, do people try to play him?

​It's a little mind-boggling. But this one I put in the so-bad-it's-good category. Feel free to flamboyantly disagree!

Slim-Fit Pac Man Suit and Tie
(because clearly you've lost your mind...
​or you have a fantastic sense of humor)

Secondly...

Let's do give a nod to the people who name things. The online names of any of the clothing reads like a bad epic poem - long, alliterative, and lacking in any real focus. Let me introduce you to the appropriately named Flaminguy Suit!

No, I'm not kidding. This is called a "tropical print". I call it a fucking nightmare. But hey, to each their own. My only wish is that if you wear this suit, you do it with the full awareness that you will have to exercise every single bit of James Bond-ian swagger you own to pull this off. (By the way, this one is only in my so-bad-it's-good column if the guy wearing it knows what he's taken on. Otherwise, oh dear God, please just don't. Okay? And you probably also shouldn't wear it if you don't live in Florida and hum the Miami Vice theme song everywhere you go.)

The Flaminguy

But it's time to lead you to the really dark side. Are you ready? Because the first one is just mind-exploding in that it is named The Casanova, and it is a fabric entirely of cash. So, let's look at that a little more closely, shall we?

So, if you are made of money, you know how to have sex well? Is that the deal? Or maybe this is Truth In Advertising for people who are like Donald Dumptruck (I hate to use his name): Sleep with me and all you'll get for your trouble is a shitload of money when you sue me!

I don't know. Like I said: mind. exploded.

Er...while we're on the topic of names, and masculinity (see how I slipped that in there....so to speak?), I wonder if there is a man out there who likes the idea of having a suit named after his genitalia.

I mean, I'm really wondering! Not just idly, though. I mean, that's not the kind of thing I sit around thinking about on a Friday night, you know?

But someone clearly has. And that's not only fascinating, that's a little bit frightening.

The Casanova

So have a look at a suit that is named - oh God, just wait for it - The Testival. I know, I could make an obvious joke about this guy looking like a dick, but really, if you are the coolest dude on any block anywyere, you can carry this off! Still, this cannot stay on my so-bad-it's-good list because of its name. All I'll ever think if someone I know wears this thing is that they are wearing The Testical. As The Emperor in Star Wars said: It's unavoidable.

The Testical - er - I mean The Testival

Last but absolutely not least, is a suit so bad - so very very bad - it can't even approach good, much less visit the neighborhood of kitsch, which is the last train stop before OH DEAR JESUS TAKE IT OFF AND BURN IT!

For the love of all that is holy, please don't wear this. And if you have to, do you HAVE to wear the tie???

I mean, maybe you could get away with the jacket, with some awesome slacks that ARE NOT PATTERNED. But wearing this will get you mistaken for a carpet. I just don't recommend it.

What I haven't mentioned is the descriptions. So, get ready for this one:

"Attention, attention: the center of attention has arrived. [JESUS, YOU THINK SO???] Folks will be lining up to snap a picture with the stylish daredevil in this one-of-a-kind suit that features a flattering slim fit and 21st-century print. Brought to you by Opposuits."

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes, dear boy, people will be lining up to take pictures with you to post mockingly on social media, you daredevil you!

So, for all of the insanity of Customer Service, there is the perk of finding things like these that - should you ever find yourself swimming in money - you can buy as a joke for someone who likes to laugh with you, or as a reward for someone who is so astoundingly cool, they could make these suits work.

​Well...maybe not The Jag...

                                     The Jag

©2019 Lori Kirstein